Both jokes

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

What do ambulances and gay men have in common? They both take it in the back and go whoop whoop! :D

Me: Wanna play 9/11?

Friend: What's that?

Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?

They both look good hanging from a tree.

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.

What do painters and prostitutes have in common?

They're both paid for a good finish.

You know what me and my spine both have in common? We are both not straight.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

No?

They both got six months.

What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.

What do depressed kids and sloths have in common? They both hang from trees.

Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?

A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?

They both died with red rings.

What do a prostitute and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread.

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.