Bleeding jokes

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

Daughter: So, I got my period.

Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

How to make an orphan BLEED?

Step 1 - Tell them to clap until they actually have a loving family.

Step 2 - LAUGH EVILLY as they BLEED.

Step 3 - Tell them to kys.

Step 4 - Leave that mental asylum.

How can you make a orphans hand bleed?

Real them to clap until there parent come home.

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a cat.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?

The emo girl still bleeds.

What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?

They're both crazy and now dead.

what's black and red and is a liquid?

my scars!

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"