Bible Jokes

pope francis

So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that". So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!

Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.

Anonymous

why are people mad at me? all i did was the truth, and put the bible in the fiction section of the library.

Anonymous
in Priest

a pastor asked his child what his favourite bible verse was...he responded keep watch, because he wanted a watch

Anonymous
in Feminist

Men and women are not equal. Speaking biologically and mentally. I don't care what other feminists say. Men are naturally physically stronger, while women are more mentally stable. (Sometimes). The internet and the media will lie. You feminists say that you are stronger. Well, you wish. You can't hit a girl because she is more sensitive, but she says she is stronger. Like, what the hell? We're not sexist men, you're sexist women. And BTW, you'll rot in hell for hating God's creation. And also, man were created before woman. Search it up in the Bible or online.

So, I don't want anyone taking this the wrong way, people are free to be whatever they feel they are and that's not anyone elses choice.

BUT

I personally have my own feelings on 'pride month and LGTBTQ+'. I feel that it is against the bible and is an abomination to the lord our god. I know plenty of LGTBQ+ people and I respect that. My best friend is bi, and I respect thats how she feels, and I'm glad that she made her choice. But I don't love it when people promote this stuff, because it is what the devil is tricking everyone into doing/being. Falling into the devils act is NOT something you should ever want to do. As a christian, this is not okay in my sense.

As an aussie, I note this: The people who defended Australia get 2 days, rememberance day and Anzac day + 1 minute of silence. Then, the LGBTQ+ community get a whole MONTH where they are told that they are 'special' and 'normal, like everyone else'. Which is really unfair and in a way, biast. I'm only 12, and I have recognised this just from being told at a CATHOLIC school by all the kids in my class that they are either LGBTQ+ or support it.

I know and understand I will get alot of hate from this, but please remember that its just my thoughts and opinion. Thankyou for reading. :)

Lovely perv

In the bible it says Jesus died for our sins but he came back to life so what did he sacrifice? Was it a weekend to wash away our sins?

brucepee
in Priest

I had put the bible in the fiction section once.

Three sons left home, went out into the world and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

'I built a big house for our mum,' said the first.

'I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur,' said the second.

And the third smiled and said, 'I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it.'

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

'The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house.'

To the second son she said, 'I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude.'

To the third son she wrote 'Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!'

Anonymous
in Dead Baby

Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks? That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.

watersharky

-Bible Verse Of The Day- In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. —Romans 6:11-12

Anonymous
in Woman

a man walks into a bar he see's a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer, he gets on his hands and knees and prays to god out loud, the bar tender says, why are you praying? He says, because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand.

watersharky

Bible Verse of The Day-For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. —Romans 8:15-16

Pickup Artist
in Pickup

It says in the Bible to only think about what’s pure and lovely… So I’ve been thinking about you all day long.

Llamabird
in Bisexual

The bible said, Adam and Eve.....So I did both.

Allan C.

And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said "Are you going to ask for directions or what?".

Anonymous
in Bad

One day little Jonny and little Susan were in bible class and little susan had been tired that day so she kept falling asleep and the teacher said to little susan who is our lord and savier and little jonny poked her in the but with a push pin and she yelled JESUS CHRIST and the teacher goes thats right go back to be and then the next thing the teacher asked who gave up there son for our sins and little jonny poked her again and she yelled GOD AL MIGHTY and she says thats right go back to bed and the next quisten the teacher asked was what did ADAM SAY TO EVE after there 13th child little jonny poked her in the but again she yelled IF YOU STICK TAHT THING IN ME AGAIN I AM GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHUV IT UP YOUR OWN ASS AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT

Anonymous
in Sentence

Suzy: How did johna fit in the whale? Teacher: Whales are very big but have small moths, so johna did not actually fit in the whale. Suzy: well the bible says he did Teacher: He did not Suzy: when I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven, maybe he went to hell Suzy: Than you can ask him.

Anonymous
in Adult

What does the initials bible stand for? Bull In Book Lacking Evidence