There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.
Are you sure your father isn't a thief?
Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?
Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming.
What do a gay man and a tumbleweed have in common?
They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence in Wyoming.
Monkeys are big, but they sure can swing very lightly.
I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.
I just cut everyone.
You should watch Ryan ToysReview because he's not mean; he's a very nice boy.
Millions of people are doing the exact same thing as you are right now.
You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!
How do you get a monkey off the wall?
You jerk him off!
How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.
If you're feeling mad, punch an autistic kid. What's he gonna do, blabber to the teacher?
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?
You text someone to ask them why they snobbed you. Then they snob you again.
