Before jokes
Why can't orphans convert to Catholicism?
Because Catholics believe in no sex before marriage.
Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.
Random person: What stuff? 🤨
Me: What?
The person: You said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!
Me: Colourful flamingo fart.
How do you get 500 drunk TTC people out? "Ah, on fire, a warning shot." "Uhhh sir, it's a M92 mortar." "Ah, just fire the shot!" Please get out before you get triggered from the pool and you have no clothes showing your nono parts. Oh wait, please get out of the pool drunk people. Potato, potatoes, fire ze shot.
A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.
The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!
The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”
What is one thing humans do before they eat?
They beat their meat to make nuggets.
Memes
Friend: Did Jesus die a virgin?
Me: Of course not, he got nailed before he died.
They asked JFK Jr. if he wanted to shower before his flight. He said, "No, I'll just wash up on shore!"
What did an orange say the day before going to work?
"Back to the rind!"
Yo mama was so fat, the Earth was flat before they put your mama in a grave.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes.
Then it hit me.
Have you ever eaten a clock before? I heard it’s very time consuming.
What did the bull tell his son before it went for college?
Bye-son.
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.
Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!
One time my receipt broke before I even got to my truck.
Dad: What did your older brother say before he lost his virginity?
Son: Dad, please don't.
Dad: Exactly.
This isn't a joke.
There was a homeless family in need of a room, but the guy said no more rooms because they were homeless. So, they got into a barn, and the mother gave birth to a young healthy boy. Before you say anything bad to a homeless man, that little boy was born on December 25th. Guess who it is.
JESUS CHRIST!!!!!! STOP HURTING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE AND START HELPING THEM!!!!!!!!
The Fast of Ramadan
In the northwestern slice of Alaska known as Seward, a horseboy stood, with broom in hand, in the vast courtyard of the royal stables of the sultan. He was waiting for dusk to fall. All day long he had eaten nothing. He had not even tasted the leftover fish tucked in his turban nor the enormous purple grapes that spilled over the palace wall into the stable yard. He had tried not to sniff the rich, amazing, warm feeling fragrance of ripening of that sweet pomegranates.
For this was the sacred month of Ramadan when, day after day, all faithful Mohammedans neither eat nor drink from the dawn before sunrise until the moment after sunset!