Bears jokes

Daddy bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!"

Mummy bear said, "It was probably your whore, Linda!"

A bear and a rabbit are at a bar getting high, smoking weed, talking about nothing but lies and straight up garbage.

And then the bear starts to drink too much damn liquor, gets drunk, and asks the rabbit, "Can I have one more scotch, pretty please?"

And the rabbit says, "Hell to the naw, I'm not about to carry your drunk ass home with me and smell your breath."

Yo mama's so fat, she wrestled a polar bear and won.

Why did the teddy bear decide not to eat the turkey?

Because he was too stuffed.

What do you call a bear with no ears? A b.

Yeah, that joke was unbearable.

A polar bear walks into a bar, asks the barman, “A pint of lager................. and a packet of crisps.”

The barman asks, “Why the large pause?”

Why didn't the teddy bear want to go to the gym?

Because he didn't want to get ripped.

Kid: Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

Nerd: Because they're marsupials.

Kid: No, because they didn’t have the koala-fication!

When it comes to bears, of course they always give bear hugs, well what do you call them when they aren't hugging right?

Just barely hugging you! Lol.

Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert?

He was stuffed.

If you spin a fidget spinner, You'll end up spinning it too fast. When you end up spinning it too fast, it will make you fly away. When you fly away, you'll end up in a tree. When you end up in a tree, you'll see that your friends are hanging out without you. When you see that your friends are hanging out without you, you'll run away in the woods because you're sad. When you ran away in the woods, you'll see a bear. When you see a bear, it will chase you. When the bear chases you, you'll build a fort to protect yourself. When you build a fort to protect yourself, you then notice you're lonely. You'll become friends with the bear. When you become friends with a bear, you'll start to act like a bear. When you start to act like a bear, you will become a bear.

DO NOT BECOME A BEAR! NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER!

Why do toy bears have small eyes?

Because they were made in China.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Why did the little girl cry twice?

Because you wiped your shitty bloody duck on her favorite teddy bear.

What do you call two bears jerking each other off?

Bipolar.

Hey Explain bear, how would you like to be replaced by #ExplainNibbles the hamster AI?

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

Then it all happened.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish came up and caught the fly.

The bear came out and caught the fish.

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

The mouse went for the sandwich.

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

Why do toy bears have small eyes? Because they were made in China.

I saw a bear eating a duck.

It was unBEARable.

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.