Bars jokes
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he wanted to get drunk? The Genius Bar.
A horse walks into a bar.
Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"
Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"
So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... Ha!
So Helen Keller walked into a bar, then a stool, then a table, then a door...
A blind man walks into a bar.
And a chair.
And a table.
Trump goes to a bar and sees Hillary Clinton. He goes up to her and says, "Buy me a drink." She replies angrily, "Get your own drinks. What kind of a man asks a woman to buy him a drink?" Trump responds, "The kind that will grab you by the p***y."
A block of gold walked into a bar. The bartender said, “AU, get out!”
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"
A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."
A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A man walks into a bar and ends up with a concussion.
Maybe if he looked where he was going, he wouldn’t have hit that pole.
A grasshopper jumps into a bar.
The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"
A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He then picks his dog up by the tail and starts to swing him around. The bartender asks him, "Hey man, what the hell you doing?"
Blind guy says, "Just looking around."
What kind of candy do astronauts eat in space?
Mars bars.
I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"
A man walked into a bar...
Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
These two have been great friends for over 20 years...play golf together...and meet every Tuesday at a classy bar for a glass of wine...talk about golf...good wine and spiritual matters. One day while at the bar enjoying a glass of merlot, the Rabbi raises his glass of wine and says to his long time friend.."brother, do you believe Jesus turned water into wine?"...the Priest thinks for a moment and raises his glass of wine and replies..."yes brother, I do believe Jesus turned water into wine...but don't get excited...since Jesus was Jewish, the wine was probably Manischewitz."
A burger walks into a bar and says, "Hi sir, can I have a glass of water?"
And the waiter says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve food here."