Bars jokes

So a man walks into the bar. The bartender looks to him and says, "You look like you're having a rough day, tell me about it?"

The man then stood up and became Mario!

A horse walked in a bar and the bartender asked, "Why the long face?"

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Why did the pope drink horse piss? Because a priest asked him what would he do for a Klondike bar? 🤪 😜

A child molester and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

So I walked into this bar and thought, "Wow, this is a dull joke."

I don't like jokes.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

This bunny named Mason came up to a bar and ordered a beer and a burger. He sits at a table and the waiter brought a huge burger.

Mason: "Heh. Good thing I eat like a horse." He looks up at the waiter.

Waiter: "You are a nasty little bunny, aren't you?"

Mason screamed and ran away as the waiter chased him... she was a HORSE.

What's long, hard, and slimy?

A bar of soap.

A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

Two mates walk into a bar.

Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"

Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."

Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"

Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."

Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"

If you give a prostitute money, you will go to jail, but if you give a prostitute a Klondike bar, you will not go to jail. I would rather go to the casino and get more money for my buck.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

A bear walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a cola and a...whisky?" The bartender says, "What's with the big paws?"

The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

A blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a bar.

The blind guy starts swinging the dog around on the leash.

The bartender yells, "Sir, stop! What are you doing!?"

The blind guy says, "I'm just looking around."

Three Vulcans walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the first Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The first Vulcan says, "I don't know."

The bartender asks the second Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The second Vulcan says, "I don't know."

The bartender asks Spock, "Y'all want a drink?" Spock says, "Yes."

A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

A priest, a pedo, and a rapist walk into a bar and that's just the first guy.

Helen Keller walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair... and a wall.