Ares jokes
Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."
Sister: I don't want to do it, but...
Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.
Dark jokes are like a new day. Suicidal people don't get it.
It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*
A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.
The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"
The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"
Roses are red, violets are blue, You missed your lesson today, so you are gay.
Why are there no guns in China? They might do some "ting wong!"
Why are orphans gay? Because they can’t come out to anyone.
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.
Then you know they're faking depression. 🙂
If you know it, you know it.
People tell me to be nice to orphans, so I say, "What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?"
You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?
But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.
Me and the boys are cool.
What do orphans and people eating oranges have in common? They both are eating balls.
Two friends are arguing and one friend says, "Jason Warhis is not afraid of water and not ifs, ands, or buts about it."
And the other friend says, "Butt he is."
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We are both lawyers.
What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
On the school bus, the pricks are on the inside, but on a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.
Hello everyone! I just came back! How are things going?
When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.
Roses are dead, violets smell like poo, I got a big fucking shotgun, what you gonna do?