Are jokes
Guy: Are you tired?
His “Crush”: No.
Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?
His “Crush”: That’s sweet.
Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Apples are picked.
Why are you so fat? I bet you take after your mom more.
An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."
He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"
He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."
If boys are like sports because they are easy to play, then girls are like a sandwich. They are nice at first, but they're crusty after.
Memes
An orphan asked his caretaker where his parents are, and the caretaker said, "A place called home."
Opinions are like orgasms. The only one that matters is mine and I don't care if you have one.
Who are the fastest readers?
9/11 victims.
Where are your parents? Oh, behind you? Not any more.
Random person: We are taking away your freedoms to keep you safe.
Hitla: That's exactly what I said.
What does a rifle and a microwave have in common?
They both go "Ping" when they are done.
Yo mama is so dumb, her reflection said, "Who are you?"
Roses are red, violets are blue, Pornhub is yours, Facebook will do.
Bully: How is your girlfriend?
Me: I don't have one!
Bully: I know!
Me: How are your parents?
*Walks out of orphanage*
Dad: Are you gay?
Kid: Yes.
10 days later.
Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.
Dad: I thought you were gay?
Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.
Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.
Peter: Curses!
Jacob: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Peter: *Crying*
Jacob: Why are you crying?
Jacob: Whatever. *Leaves orphanage*
There was a kid sitting in a corner.
Me: "Hey! Why are you here at an orphanage?"
Orphan: "..."
Me: "Oh, wait, you're an orphan."
Butcher knives are great tools for cutting many things!
Fruit, vegetables, my arms.
For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:
Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."
Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."
Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
Two muffins are in an oven.
One says, "Man, it is hot in here!"
The other one says, "OMG, a talking muffin!"