ANS jokes

I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.

Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”

Welp, that’s it.

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.

An autistic woman walks into a bar. "A serving of Screaming Banshee, please," she says.

The bartender says, "Ok, you seem to like it, unlike a retired special ed teacher that passed through a few minutes ago."

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

What's black and red and goes 90 miles an hour? A baby in a blender!

I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.

There was an enemy with a machine gun.

My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."

So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

It's not like they'll tell their parents.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.

If I busted an egg on your head... The yolk would be on you... hahaha...

If I busted an egg on your head.... the yolk would be on you... ha ha ha!!!

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

What do you call a bear without an ear?

B.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.