And jokes

I went 80 mph in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screamed, "Am I hallucinating?"

Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.

When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time... and walk past.

1: Hey.

2: What?

1: We're outta paint.

2: *HMM*

(And that's how stop signs have extra paint.)

Let's rock and roll!

"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"

What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?

Kid's.

When you wear a big hat and your butt starts to splat diarrhea!

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

I went up to an orphan and asked where their parents were--they stared.

An emo and a leaf fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

The leaf, because the emo got caught by the rope.

What do you get when you cross a turkey and a centipede?

Drumsticks for everyone!

And to the parents of the lost boy named Timmy, we have found him, and now is your chance to make your escape. He really is a little shit, isn't he?

When I give you the signal, I want you to roll down your window and call the oncoming cyclist a prick.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"

What's red and shaped like a bucket?

Trisha Paytas

Tj if you don't stop trying to ruin Gwen and Prince's relationship then I will scream!!!!!!!!!!

It's some dumb faker and what point of she just wants to be your friend do not understand!

Hey Gwen come on let's chat! We can forget about that dumb bitch "prince" and focus on us!

Why did the orphan want to go to jail?

So he could have a home and be cared for with food.