And jokes

I couldn't find my cat, and then my pillow started meowing.

What's the difference between an American and a computer?

Americans don't have trouble shooting!

What's the difference between when I opened the window in a car wash and when Kawhi Leonard did it? At least my dad didn't get shot in the eye.

Stop being disrespectful to all those people and their parents. Oh, I forgot, they don't have any parents.

Violence isn't the answer. It's the question, and the answer is yes.

What stands on the side of the road and needs a lot of money to buy?

Billboard, did you think I was gonna say street walker?

An orphan asked his caretaker where his parents are, and the caretaker said, "A place called home."

Opinions are like orgasms. The only one that matters is mine and I don't care if you have one.

What does a rifle and a microwave have in common?

They both go "Ping" when they are done.

P1: What's the difference between a kid and a hooker?

P2: I don't know.

P1: Wow, you sick fuck!

My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.

A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

A lot of counter-offers were made.

Mommy sits on my potty and sings a song about poop.

Kid in 2021: I'm goated at hide and seek.

Anne Frank: I am the hide and seek champion of the world.

Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"

Why did God create sex for marriage?

Because he wanted more people and less fun.

How many emissions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.

If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.

What's the best way to tell your friend you hate them? Option 1: Kill them. Option 2: Walk away. Option 3: Kill each other.

Me: Why can't I just kms and leave them the pain?

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

What's the difference between a wanted person and a wanted handicapped person? The handicapped person wasn’t last seen on foot.