And jokes

Apex Legends: exists.

Titanfall fandom: (Literally on fire and at war with itself) "Everything is fine."

What's black, long and full of seamen?

A submarine.

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

There is a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking; at least one of them does something.

Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?

A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.

Whenever you think back to 9/11 and realize there are 12 hours in front of us, why the f*ck didn't they warn us?

What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

And the women look at him as if they have never seen a man walk into a bar before.

Miss Stephen likes kids like she likes wine: 15 years and in isolation.

What's the difference between fathers and hurricanes?

Nothing. They both destroy families and then leave for a couple of years.

What’s the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?

A girlfriend likes a bad boy.

Angelina Jolie was married to Brad Pitt...

Does that make her a "Brad Nailer", and him a "Jolie Jumper"?

My boy is so distracted and the kids are doing great. I will be make $500000.

symple: Why did you include me in this fuckery?

symple: And why the fuck am I the profile picture?

angela: Because you are the thot of the group.

symple: Well it takes one to know one.

symple: Aren't Thot jokes just "whore'able?"

angela: FUCK OFF!

What's the difference between a humorous bully and a small van driver?

One takes the Mickey, the other takes the Minnie.

Mom, why was I adopted?

Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!

Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!

What's the difference between babies and onions? I cry when I cut onions.