And jokes

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

The existence of the word "priest" implies the existence of "prier" and "pri".

I went to the zoo the other day and it only had one dog... yeah, it was a shih tzu.

My friend was playing a game and said he was fighting cultists, so I said Kanye's fanbase.

What do me and an emo kid have in common:

We both like to hang.

What is the definition of "Endless Love"?

Answer: Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing "Tennis"!

When you're in the World Trade Center and you connect to airplane wifi.

When you're in the World Trade Center and you connect to airplane wifi.

Why did the orphan stop playing baseball?

Because baseball has a home, and an orphan does not.

Laugh now.

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

I saw a girl with blond hair. She was sexy and beautiful. I thought she was the most hottest girl I ever saw, so I ran up to her feeling hot.

I am the Titanic, and I'm looking for a place to crash tonight.

If you got a bowling ball and you stuck it on top of a sack of potatoes, what would you get?

A "retiree."

What's black and white and red all over?

The darkness of your heart, the dishonor of your lies, and the embarrassment you feel when busted for both.

What’s black and at the top of a stair case?

Stephen Hawking during a house fire.

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.

What has nut, long, big, and sticky? A Snickers bar.

Yo mama so old, her photos are in a museum and her friends are in a graveyard.

Last week I went on a whale watch.

After everyone had piled onto a boat, they loaded the boat onto a trailer and drove to your house.

Yo mama so fat and old, she is the reason the Great Depression happened.