And jokes

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Your mom was so fat that she couldn't have a man and couldn't go through the door.

I'M JOKING, DON'T GET MAD!

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

What animal howls at the moon and eats cement?

If you guessed wolf, you're right! I threw in the cement to make it hard.

"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"

"Shut up and pass me the mop."

When the teacher says she'll call your parents but you're an orphan.

Mommy, mommy! Are we liars?

"Shut up and cross your fingers when you say that."

Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?

Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.

Life's a bitch, and then you die. I now see what they mean.

When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time... and walk past.

What's the difference between a God and my mom?

My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."

My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."

Anyone want a free pizza? Because you liking a pizza with toppings that not many people enjoy allows you to eat the entire guilt free pizza, that they said they didn't want and everyone already offered you a slice of.

Me and rose bushes have something in common: mangled, can hurt, red, and people only like one part.

What's the difference between me and the rest of America?

I love one and hate the other.

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and give her it so she can bleed more.

Off-topic, but why is the picture in the baby category feet? And nasty feet at that? What am I, Dan Schneider?

What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?

I actually come back with the milk.