And jokes

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

What's the similarity between your mum and West Ham?

Your mum blows spunk bubbles from her ass.

Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?

Rapey Santa.

What's the difference between an orphan and Daniel Larusso?

At least Daniel has a mom.

What has two wheels and goes really fast?

A vegetable down a hill.

An orphan walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand, "Hey, bum, bum, bum, got a family?"

Never let an orphan watch Fast and the Furious.

All they will talk about is how great their family is.

I'm at school and this website isn't blocked, and I need help on who did 9/11?

What's the difference between pizza deliveries and the Twin Towers?

Pizza deliveries get their orders right.

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

What is the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid?

"I like ya cut G" means two different things.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.

Stephen landed at Tilted and got 199 pumped, he's 1 shot!

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

What’s black, white, and red all over?

An embarrassed biracial guy.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples get picked.

Hispanic and Latino people be like, "No more immigrants!" Like, dude, aren't you an immigrant?

What's the difference between emos and 9/11?

The emos are still there, high up off the ground.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.