And jokes

When Bob got on that sled, I don't know how he went so smoothly, but that is the invention of bobsled peoples.

And then Mark came in.

You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?

I don't have a sex slave in my basement...

What’s red and white and black all over?

A dead white man at night time!

What's the difference between an emo and a prisoner?

The prisoner.

"It looks like she went into Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack, and said, ‘I’ll take it!’" — Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul’s Drag Race

What do you call a person with no arms and legs?

You can call him whatever you want; he's not coming.

What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?

They can't stand up for themselves.

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

Yo momma's legs are like cottage cheese: white and chunky.

Yo momma's so dirty that when I asked what was for dinner, she sat on the table, opened her legs, and said "Crabs."

What's the difference between a dog and an orphan? The dog gets picked.

TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.

Have a child you don't want? Just drop them off at a school they don't know and drive away.

What is the difference between an orphan and a bandit?

One's wanted.

There were two twins, and they were both very tall.

The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

What is the similarity between depressed people and hoodies?

The color black.

I looked at your hairline, and when I saw you, I thought to myself of the last time I was a baby.