And jokes

What is 14 inches long and starts with D?

A Dookie From GREEN DAY

Life is a bitch, and people make it worse.

This thing that I'm in ("am") is a forsaken curse (beta).

I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!

What did the daddy bullet say to his son when he missed the bull and hit something brown and gross?

"That is bull crap!"

What is the difference between a small child and a watermelon?

One I eat on the daily and the other is a watermelon.

A girl named Ranch went to the store and stayed there. Why? Because she was ranched!

"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.

What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?...

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?

Santa got the milk.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

JFK and Abe Lincoln were some of the most open-minded presidents ever.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

What do you call 2 nuns and a prostitute that play football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Your hairline be going up and down like a Formula 1 car!

In middle school, we had to create words with magnet letters. Some kid laid the word "Animal Therapist". I changed one space and got sent home :/

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.