And jokes

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"

"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter!"

A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "How?"

I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

So, I was walking around the outside of the building and I saw a kid and asked, "Where's your parents?" I love working at the orphanage.

It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?

They both have special needs.

How do you kill a retard?

Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"

What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?

They both only change their pads after every third period!

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

If you're reading this, you are Nickel and Gallium......

Ni- ........*something else in between the two halves*................Ga

YOU FUCKING MONKEYS!

What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?

One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.

Why is it that skinny men love fat women?

Because we need warmth in the winter and shade in the summer.

Q: What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a tomato?

A: A tomato isn't a vegetable.