And jokes

Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.

I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

I was spending my holiday in Paris with my gf. As we were walking near the city, a meteor hit and killed my gf.

Forensics did an autopsy on the corpse and concluded that someone missed a pen and hit my gf from the PSG training ground. SHAME ON YOU PESSI FOR RUINING MY LIFE! 🤬😡

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A carrot!

Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy).

Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle).

Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what's the third son's name? A: David.

I need more webs and I need more supplies for more webs, how do I make them? With spiders!

My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

Life is like a game of poker, guys start by going with them clubs, ladies follow with a set of hearts, guys put down the diamonds, and before you know it you got a full house.

Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?

They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.

Gf: Babe, do you love me?

Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.

Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...

Bf: Exactly.

Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.

You know how you mine and craft in Minecraft, and you chat in VR in VR Chat, but what do you do in Alabama?

Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.

So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"

Looking for true love. Must be into fun, likes to go out driving, playing the latest catching game and most importantly, must love kids. (PEADOPHILES MUST APPLY WITH HOW MANY KIDS YOU CAN CARRY!)

How did the man in prison escape?

He drew a bum on the wall and slid through the crack.

What’s the difference between a police man and a bullet?

At least when a bullet kills someone, it’s actually fired.

What do you call a guy at your doorstep with no arms and no legs?

Matt!

When Knife tells Annoying Orange, "I'm trying something new," Annoying Orange said, "Oh no, are you having a midknife crisis?" and then Annoying Orange laughs.

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!