And jokes

My sister told me she liked Medusa.

I said, "Huh?"

My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.

Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.

Why’d the chicken cross the road?

To get choked and stroked by Mr. Big Bloke!

“We’ll choke and stroke, it ain’t no joke!”

I made a joke about putting babies in the microwave and got told I was a disgusting person.

So from now on I’ll only make baby in the deep fryer jokes.

Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.

I had to go to my friend's house.

I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???

Yo mama so fat that she had to wear a yellow jacket and everyone shouted, "Taxi!"

My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)

What do clothes and emo kids have in common?

They both get hung.

I asked my dad, "Are we there yet?" and he told me, "Don't worry, son, it will be a short ride!"

My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.

Your hairline and my car go Lighting McQueen speed because he never came back with the milk.

This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

There’s a woman cutting onions when her husband walks in and starts crying. Onions was a good dog.

I gave a gun to a blind person and told them it was a hair dryer.

What's the difference between parents and a boomerang?

The boomerang comes back from the store with milk.

In 1492 Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

He sat on a rock, tickled his cock, until it turned red, white, and blue!

What’s the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

What's the difference between an orphan and a corpse?

One of them has someone to mourn them.