And jokes

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.

Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?

If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

Neither can see their parents.

What’s the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry peeling onions!

Joe Biden's speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.

I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.

I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.

Yo mama so fat, I stood next to her and lost cell phone reception.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.