And jokes

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

What's the difference between a Baptist and a rapist? The priests.

What's the difference between 911 and the stock market in the 1930's?

Nothing, they both crashed.

If you were to drop an emo and a leaf off a tree, who would hit the ground first?

The leaf, because the emo is always hanging.

What's the difference between apples and orphans?

Orphans don't get picked.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

What's the difference between an orphan and a pencil?

People actually have a use for one of them.

What's the difference between an orphan and a dog?

One of them is actually loved.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.

What starts with F and ends with CK?

Firetruck.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony. He opened up a pasta shop and made some macaroni.

If mom saw you, she would die and be happy because of you being ugly.

You look like a double dipped chocolate chip cliff flipped glazed charcoal slim jim Mr. clog hunch frap, no feet, 9 arms, 17 stomachs. You stepdad beat you with a wiffle ball bat. NBA Youngboy was in your bathroom spitting on you and now you got herpes on your left side cheek.

How do you know when a joke has turned into a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One gets picked, and the other doesn’t.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

If this gets 10 comments (I don't care about likes) I will write a four page essay and post it, and it's up to you guys what it's about.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

Helen Keller walked into a bar...

And into a table, and into a chair.