And jokes

What's the difference between a McDonald's and the Twin Towers?

McDonald's has a drive-thru.

What do lizards and Queen Elizabeth have in common?

They both live long with dry skin.

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

I got a bowl of rice that you're formed like, an ice cube.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

Why was 10 scared?

Because he was in between 6 and 9.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Dark humor is like water: some people get it, and some people don't.

I saw a kid crying, so I asked him where his parents were, and he started crying more.

Anyway, working at an orphanage is fun.

What do lesbians and turtles have in common?

They both eat plastic. (I'm sorry to the lesbians out there; this is a joke, not real.)

What does McDonald's and priests have in common?

They put their meat inside 10 year olds.

What is the difference between a leaf falling from a tree and an emo falling from a tree?

The leaf falls to the ground, the emo just hangs there.

How to harass? Say it out loud but slowly. Split that word into, and it sounds like "her ass."

POV: You are 7 years old and you find a stick. SWORD.

I bought a sweater and it started building up static electricity.

So I got another one free of charge.

If you think vanilla and chocolate ice cream is just light and dark mode.

Yo hairline go back so far you could drive 1,000,000 miles and still not find it.

What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?

About 40 mph.

I went to the shops and still didn’t find Lucy’s dad.

Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?

He woke up and found out it was true.