And jokes
A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"
The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."
The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"
The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."
The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"
The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"
Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?
A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
What do noodles and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
Memes
An HDMI cable and an electrical outlet went on a date. It didn't go well, because they couldn't connect.
Yo mama so stupid, when she was in court and the judge said, "Order, order," she said, "Pizza."
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
What would you call a person who hides in a house for 24 hours and then kills them?
Morgz.
Bin Laden was the hide and seek champion for 10 years, 2001-2011.
What do you get when you cross a belt and a watch?
A waist of time.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says to another beetle, "Is this stool taken?"
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
What is the difference between a knife and a feminist?
A knife has a point.
Most women are like the Twin Towers.
It's all fun and good when guys fly through them, but once the little people come jumping off them, it becomes sad and awful.
Are your forehead and hairline old friends because they go way back?
What's long and black? Centrelink line.
What is the difference between me and a fire?
It's hot.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? One of them gets picked.