And jokes

What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?

One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!

What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?

The Las Vegas shooting.

What is the difference between the Titanic and the Twin Towers?

They both went down.

Sex is like show and tell: you show your pussy and dick, and then you tell each other how you feel.

What is long, yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of orphans.

People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.

Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"

I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."

What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.

The "M" and "D" in "orphan" stands for Mom and Dad.

What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?

Afterbirth.

I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.

You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.

What's the difference between a cat and a human? About 500 bullets.

A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.

Why?

The kid had no legs.

It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

When I was young, I got bullied by two kids, and whenever I got hit to the ground, I would get back up and cry. Then I had the courage to fight back, except they didn't get back up.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.