And jokes

What did Trump say to Ukraine when Putin bombed them?

"It was Antifa!!!! And China!!!!"

How do you tell if a blond is really stupid?

Put a scratch and sniff on a bleach pod.

Me: I just came home from Africa, and guess what I saw.

Friend: I don't know.

Me: A black market.

What’s the difference between an emo kid and a dead pig?

Suicide squad.

Why are the Twin Towers and after girls kill all boys similar?

There used to be two but now there's one...

Hey guys, today's funniest prank: is when I poured a bunch of red wine into the chicken salad...to be honest, it was a TON of wine I poured in there! My family could not tell the difference at all! Anyway, bye, that's the prankster! Next time or see you next time!

I gave a blind man a gun and told him it was a hair dryer.

Welcome to Jimmy's orphanage and pizza shop, where today's loss is a sauce. How may I help you?

I had to share a table recently with a disabled man. When I asked him for the salt and pepper, he had to make two trips.

I hate life, and I'm gay.

What is yellow and does not float well?

A school bus.

A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

What's big and yellow and can't swim? A bus filled with children.

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued.

Your flesh was delectable, and so was the rest of you.

My version of the Roses are Red Poem in MW3:

I thought Soap could trust you. And so did I too. So WHY IN BLOODY HELL DOES MAKAROV KNOW YOU?!

Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relieved. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. "Nitrogen!" The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good night.”

Mother: Jack, I have good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first?

Jack: Bad News first.

Mother: I'm dying!

Jack: Mother, I said bad news first.

Mother: *cries*

Jack was never seen again.

One day my girlfriend and I were just hanging out and she needed to tell our dad that we were going out.

They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"

During WWI and WWII, the infantry would use shovels as weapons and to dig trenches. I bet they really dig that weapon!