And jokes

I was working at a check-in station for a flight to Riyadh when suddenly I was approached by Benzema, Kante, and Neymar!

At first I was very surprised and curious, so I asked them why they decided to play in the Saudi Pro League and not MLS where GOAT Messi plays. They all smiled and happily replied: "Don't you know, the legendary bench warmer PRISTIANO PENALDO plays there!"

Now I fully understood what they meant! They know that Pristiano is already finished, so winning trophies will be easy for them. I smiled and happily let them through.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

What is yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of kids.

What is Green and Red and goes round and round?

A frog in a blender.

(this next one is pretty bad, and I don't mean it, so don't get offended)

What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?

One can support an average family.

What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?

I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.

If you have a girlfriend/crush that's shorter than you, go up to her and say, "You're short, lemme add some inches."

A man was walking down the street with a swivel chair under one arm, a computer under the other, and a desk strapped to his back.

A policeman ran over to him and handcuffed him, saying, "I'm arresting you for impersonating an office, sir!"

Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!

The flower made a phone call and became cauliflower.

What's fat and wanks over his mom?

Guy Sheppard.

What do you call 2 nudists in Africa?

Naked and Afraid.

What’s white and sticky and better to spit out than to swallow? Toothpaste.

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

What is the difference between an orphan and a deaf kid?

They can't hear or speak to their parents that never came back.

I was walking past an orphan and I said, "Just go home."

Joe: What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common?

Ben: I don't know.

Joe: They both look good until they hit the ice.

What’s the difference between an orphan and a baseball field? The baseball field has a home to run back to.

Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.

Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?

Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.

What's the difference between an orphan and Spider-Man?

There's no way home.

What's the difference between me and a hairdresser? We both cut too much.