And jokes

Q: What is the difference between a baseball player and an orphan?

A: One knows where home is.

Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing to this day!

What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

You get paper cuts on each eye and walk off a cliff.

Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?

The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

Satan and the devil are alter egos.

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

Why is a bee's hair so smooth and sticky?

Because they use honeycombs.

What's the similarities between dark humor and cancer?

It's funnier when kids get it.

What’s the difference between an orphan and Pikachu?

Pikachu, I choose you!

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree? The apples get picked.

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

What goes inside and comes out wet?

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

What do a baby and a grenade have in common? They both make loud noises when thrown.

I walked past an orphanage, the orphans started to call me names, and I said, "At least I have a family!"

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat the cancer.

Little Johnny was late to class. The teacher asked him where he was. Little Johnny said, "I was on top of Marry Hill." Then a kid comes late to class and also said he was on Marry Hill. Then a little girl that's about 4 or 5 comes in. The teacher asks, "Who are you?" She said, "I'M MARRY HILL!"

Suicidal thoughts aren’t nice, but nor is life. So why not get them both done and over with?