And jokes

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

Why is the B so cool? Because it’s in between A and C.

My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.

What do an X-Box and Michael Jackson have in common? They're both made of plastic and little kids turn them on.

What is the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?

Betty didn’t reach 100 before she died.

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking during a house fire.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

A mouse is just like a ball bearing.

Drench them in oil, and they stop squeaking.

What’s the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?

A zit waits till you’re 13 to come on your face

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

Yo mama is so fat, she sat on a quarter and popped a booger out of George Washington's nose.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck if my computer crashes.