And jokes

I drove by the gun shop the other day and everything was half off for back to school.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple? Apples get picked.

Joe mama so fat she went wearing high heels and came back in flip flops.

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

Russia and Ukraine are running a marathon. Who do you think won? Russia did. Russia gave Ukraine a migraine.

I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would just crash and burn.

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

Because they don't have Mother's and Father's day.

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*

When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.

A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks, "What gave me away?"

The man responds, "Your parents."

What do a school shooter and a lightbulb have in common? They both light up the classroom. 🤡💀

What does a piece of gum and a gun have in common?

You pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.

Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says, "what's the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks?" The man says, "it's not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place."

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and I feel better.

You can't be short and depressed because you are compressed.

When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.

Do you know how a dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2-liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a f*cking dumpster you regret.

What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.