And jokes

What's the difference between life and a rape joke?

Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.

What games would deaf people not be good at?

Simon says and Musical chairs.

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

Your hairline's so bent, it goes west, east, north, and south!

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.

Your mom is like a penny: two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants.

A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

Why is the B so cool? Because it’s in between A and C.

My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.

What do an X-Box and Michael Jackson have in common? They're both made of plastic and little kids turn them on.

What is the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?

Betty didn’t reach 100 before she died.

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking during a house fire.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.