And jokes

I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?... one gets picked.

I know 5 fat people, and your mama is 4 of them.

It's funny how you feel so alone with depression, and yet once you tell people on some random website, so many people relate. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop the loneliness.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

The apples get picked.

Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.

What would you rate this woman?

A 7.

Why?

Because 7 ate 9!

POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

I was in math class, and we were learning geometry. My teacher said, "PENTAGON!" then all of a sudden, PENALDO burst into the room! He thought we were talking about PENS, so he came looking for some because he's a finished pen merchant! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my education! 🤬

It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Just hire some people to be fake parents and print off an adoption paper. On April Fools', just leave them there at the orphanage! APRIL FOOLS!

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

What is black when it’s clean and white when it’s dirty?

Answer: A chalkboard.

What is the difference between a dwarf and a midget?

Very little.

Jack and Jill went up the hill each with $20. Jill came down with $40. Fucking whore!!!!