And jokes

When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays Pumped Up Kicks.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

The teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin, but the sky can also be blue or black," the teacher replied.

Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him and picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally, she called on him. "Mine's more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no, Johnny, why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well, if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

Guys, don’t let nobody hurt you with words.

Like someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

What has an N, an I, two Gs, an E, and an R?

Ginger!

What's similar between a blind kid and an orphan?

They both can't see their parents.

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.

The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

What do KFC and pussy have in common?

Both are finger lickin' good, and after you are done eating, you have a box to put the bone in.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.

What do you find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?

Heads and shoulders.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke a little leaf.

Jack got high and dropped his fly, and Jill said "Where’s The beef?"

Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?

Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.

Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

Why can orphans never be kidnapped?

No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."