And jokes

I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!

When it is quiet when you're having sex and you ask your partner to "Do the roar!"

Person: Where's your mom and dad?

Orphan: :(

Me: Hey, Mom? Why do we celebrate birthdays?

Mom: Because that's the day a new life was born, and people are born every day so every day is a special day.

My thoughts: And my friend wonders why I have depression...

Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?

A. Nothing, they both die at ten.

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing.

My child is ungrateful. I got him a bike for Christmas and he didn't say thank you. No, he said, "Dad, I don't have any legs!"

How are Stephen Hawking and Kaepernick so much alike? They both don’t stand for the national anthem.

Girls are like a bus; you might miss the first bus and catch the second bus.

Tell someone to say "alpha" and then "kenny one". Tell them to say it very fast. Tell them it sounded like they said, "I'll fuck anyone!"

What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.

What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.

My name is Mike Oxmaul, and my friend's name is Hugh Janus!

What’s 12 inch long, purple, and makes women scream??

Cot death!

Q. What do Kenny's dick and this joke have in common?

A. They're both really short.

I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't read. They showed me a picture of a birthday cake and I thought it was a menorah!

Whoever is deleting my messages, comment and say why!

Why do you never see gay people in wheelchairs?

You can’t be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

What’s the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter?

Only one came out of the chamber.

What starts with S and ends with S? STUPID HOMEWORK NEVER ENDS.

What starts with C and ends with K? Children do not cook.

What did you think I was going to say? How bold of you to assume.