All jokes

So, we all know that old kids' joke: why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. Well, why was 10 scared? Because he was in the middle of 9 11.

These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split, it blew them all away?

How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?

None, it's all tongue and groove...

What do you call a single bisexual?

All bi myself.

Imagine if hitting the iceberg wasn't an accident and it was all just the sailors' fault like this:

Sailor 1: Hey Ron. Sailor 2: Yeah? Sailor 1: You see that iceberg over there? Sailor 2: Yeah. Sailor 1: You know what would be pretty funny?

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!

Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Manson all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why don't you take a seat, right over there?" Turns out the bartender was Chris Hansen himself.

After an explosion at a French cheese factory... all that was left was De Brie.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

All these jokes are so offensive, Mr. Hawking just won’t stand for it.

I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut, so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?

An orphan has all their teeth intact.

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.

I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.

Gravity sure is fast.

I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.