I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."
Kid: "Why are you doing that?"
Dad: "So you won't get bored there."
What did Stevie Wonder's mom do to punish him as a child?
She rearranged all the furniture.
I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."
Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.
What starts with M and ends with arriage?
Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?
Neither does the child.
A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."
My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
Why is Santa always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.
After all, it's not like Donald Trump could write a book.
What do you call a group of Emo kids?
Suicide Squad.
What jumps and never let's go?
An Emo kid.
I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.
Dead.
Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?
The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.
I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
