All jokes

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

What do women and KFC have in common?

After you get done with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What is white with red all over?...

JFK.

Man: Cow milk is drinkable.

Other man: How do you know that?

Man: *smiles with milk all over mouth*

Other man: John...h-how do you know that!

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Why is it annoying to eat by basketball players? Because they dribble all the time!

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.

Was invited to the inauguration of an I-pad.

We were all ready to begin the event. I was supposed to cut the ribbons, but before I could do that, Penaldo jumped outta nowhere and shouted, "I DON'T WANT I-PAD, I ONLY WANT TO STATPAD!"

Shame on Penaldo for ruining the event! 😡

All these jokes really hijacking my mind.

Dad: Here you go son, all your toys have gone to the orphanage.

Son: Why, Dad?

Dad: You would be bored there if there was not anything to do.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?

First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:

"The canons be ready, Captain!"

"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

what did Germany and Austria do after ww2?

accepted all art students