All Jokes

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

Dad: Here you go son, all your toys have gone to the orphanage.

Son: Why, Dad?

Dad: You would be bored there if there was not anything to do.

Was invited to the inauguration of an I-pad.

We were all ready to begin the event. I was supposed to cut the ribbons, but before I could do that, Penaldo jumped outta nowhere and shouted, "I DON'T WANT I-PAD, I ONLY WANT TO STATPAD!"

Shame on Penaldo for ruining the event! 😡

All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.

Me all the time :

The image shows two different characters. The top panel shows Elsa from the movie Frozen with text "Girls at my school:". The lower panel shows a character resembling Gru dressed as a pink fairy princess with text "Me:". Under the two panels, it says "YOU MAKE A great fairy princess."

I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.

Why is it annoying to eat by basketball players? Because they dribble all the time!

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

Why don't Indians like snow?

Because it's white all over their land.

I think the military shouldn’t allow trans people, because all they'd do is switch sides.

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.

Why can't Mexicans play Uno?

Because they take all the green cards.

For all the Harry Potter fans:

A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."