[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"
[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0
We all know that Lincoln and Kennedy are the most open-minded presidents in the world.
Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?
Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.
Why was the ant so confused? Because all his uncles were ants.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.
Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.
What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?
They are all insane comebacks!!!
Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me.
Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together.
Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house.
Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me?
Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house.
Police: ... Child: 😊
Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*
One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.
Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.
Why is the orphan failing all his classes? He can't do homework.
A woman comes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I have cancer." The doctor checks it out. "It’s all in your head," the doctor says. "Phew," said the woman. "A bunch of tumors, all in your head."
In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.
Last words of the captain of the Titanic... "Where's all this water come from?"
