I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
Why did the cumulonimbus not show up for work? Because it was on strike.
I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.
Not a soul in sight.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
What do you call an orphan's family tree? A stump.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!
What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
Girl: "Come over."
Orphan: "I can't."
Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"
Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
Daddy.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
