I was walking down the street one day, and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and everything was half off. I didn't know back-to-school sales had started already!
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
I like my coffee like my women.
Amateur.
How do you disrespect an Asian?
Give them driving lessons.
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer, why?
Doctor: What are the chances?
Patient: Of what?
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks, Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?
Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.
What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
They both only change their pads after every third period!
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
Cheater, cheater, woman beater!
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair back, she looks 15.
How do you know if a chick is too fat?
If you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them.
What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float