What's the difference between a six-year-old and a submarine?
I've never been inside a submarine.
Shower thoughts
What is Helen Keller's son's name? Hrrrrrrr.
Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?
When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”
Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?
He was a great veterinarian.
What do noodles and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
How do you know you’re at a gay cookout? They’re putting your sausage between two buns.
Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:
"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
Who’s stronger in a relationship, a man or a woman? A woman, because it takes six men to carry him to his grave; it only takes one woman to put him there.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.
Why are there more female history teachers than male?
Because women like to bring up the past.
What do you call a blowjob from a girl who has autism?
Special head.
Why should you always give an emo a high five in the hallway? You can’t leave them hanging.
What’s the best part about stage four cancer?
There’s no stage five.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?
Why do American guns only have 30 rounds in the clip? Because that’s the average class size.
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?
Are you 7/11 or 9/11?
When does a Cub become a Boy Scout? When he eats his first brownie.