Yesterday I purchased a world map And told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands I will take her turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge
Shower thoughts
My brother is ugly one time he stuck his head out the window, the police arrested for mooning
My proctologist used to be a photographer, he took x-rays and told me to bend over and say cheese
Tuesday I was looking at my family tree and two dogs were using it
When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her
I met a fat chick at the beach. People started asking me what I use for bait. Or do you want us to help throw the Whale back in the water?
I ran into a fat woman today she said next time don’t hit me. I said I don’t think I have enough gas to go around. Then the ground start to rumble with every step she took
I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo. He said they want you they’ll come get you.
I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk The dad finally came back with the milk
This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory, one day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station,I told her so you can weigh yourself on the truck scale.
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday, he gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it. I asked him what was the bullseye for he said target practice
If you're in Alabama family reunions are basically speed dating events.
Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"
What’s the best part about plowing your cousin?
-It makes your sister jealous
Why can't science be combined with religion?
Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them
What does weed in the Carolina Panthers have in common? They both get smoked in bowls
What do alcoholics and necrophiliac have in common? They both like cracking open a cold one
What do you get when you mix alcohol with literature? Tequila Mockingbird
What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? Nothing she was hung over
A blind man walks into a woman’s bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says before you tell your joke you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols, do you still want to tell that joke cowboy. He thought for a second and said not if I have to explain it five times.