Shower thoughts

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”

Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”

Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

What do lesbians do while having their period?

They finger paint.

A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question, feminists don't change anything.

Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?

Because no one’s looking for them.

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, you can hear the chair screaming.

What does the + sign stand for in LGBTQ+?

It’s the premium version of gay.

I think fat people took the Hunger Games a little too seriously.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."