Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
Shower thoughts
Why did the woman cross the road?
What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
Want one way to get a free haircut?
Call the cancer hotline.
Q. What do they call an ISIS terrorist who owns both a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.
Why do women always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like to see a man having a good time.
Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Q: What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
A: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
Q. How does an ISIS terrorist practice safe sex?
A. He marks the camels that kick.
Q. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
A. Cancer.
Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?
A. The little girl in my trunk.
Q: Why are school shooting jokes funny?
A: Because they're intended for a young audience.
How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
A: She moans with the other.
What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
E.T. eventually went home!