My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.
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What do emos and a bird nest have in common?
They both hang from a tree.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.
If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
"You're the bomb."
"No, you're the bomb."
A compliment in the US, an argument in the Middle East.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.