My Teacher said ̈Im gonna leave soon, i dont want to be here anymore! ̈, So i shot her.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
Today Me and My Best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge and i told him to back up, R.I.P to him.
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me? Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around”.
I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
‘You the bomb.’ ‘No, you the bomb.’ A compliment in the US, an argument in the Middle East.
What do emos and a bird nest have in common? They both hang from a tree.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding she’d say: “you’re next”. So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.
If your wife says: “what would you most like to do to my body?”, “identify it” is the wrong answer.
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon” Man: “Am I dying?” Doctor: “No, your wife is”