You're jokes

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

You're so clapped that you make Susan Boyle attractive.

The only woman to ever tell you that they loved you was your mom. (If she even loved you in the first place.)

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?

Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...

Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.

You're so bald, when you wear a turtleneck, you look like one!

You're so bald, the reflection off your head is blinding people in India.

You're so bald, Bob Hope would refer to you as "grandpa."

You're so bald, United Airlines has asked for permission to land.

You're so bald, the Hair Club for Men has elected you president.

You're so bald that when you wear a poncho, you look like a broken condom.

You're so bald, I rub your head to see into the future.

You're so bald, when you wear a turtleneck, you look like roll-on deodorant!

You're so bald, I can see what's on your mind.

Your hairline is so deep people can see what you're thinking.

Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.

Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.

Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?

Kids: Yeah!

Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!

Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.

*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*

Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.

Your forehead is so big you have to wear a hoodie for the Rock to see your ego because your forehead is so big.

You're so bent and ugly that you'd make Elton John go straight!

You're old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics."