You jokes

Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.

Q: What do you call a rich Asian? A: Dr.

What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.

Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.

What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?

The pizza guy shows up when you call him.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

"How does dry skin affect you at work?""You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

"A satisfactory."

"Dad, did you get a haircut?"

"No, I got them all cut!"

Did you know? The most Black Holes in the Universe are all found in Africa!

10/7 is probably a spinoff of 9/11.

You can't convince me otherwise.

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

Weed: *gets hit by his own power*

Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?

Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?

You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.

What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.

How do you disappoint people in Africa?

Send a message saying that you’re going to send trucks full of food, water, and clothing.

But don’t follow through and send the trucks empty.