This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian says f*** no you won’t return it
A retard won a break-dancing competition. All he did was go to get a drink
What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?
If you lift the hood on my car you won’t find a 5.7l v8
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom
Does your cat scratch you?Yeah ,I need gave him payback ,but now he won't respond.
I just came up with a really good deaf people joke! The great thing is that they won't be able to hear!
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
How did Stephen Hawking become a billionaire? He won the F1 Wheelchair race
You might be innocent but if you carry a large sum of cash in public the cops won’t believe that
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die. What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
TFW you're having sex with your german girlfriend and she won't stop telling you here age
Police: Where do u live Me: With my parents Police: Where your parents live Me: With me Police: Where do you all live Me: Together Police: where is your house Me: Next to my neighbor Police: Where is your neighbor’s house Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what their doing and the father says: "Well...We're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon. The next day when little Jonny's father comes come Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" HIs father is confused. "What do you mean?" He asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
Following your dreams is good.....especially since you won’t have to worry about them putting any restraining orders against you.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
What do you call a dog with no legs?? ...you cant call it anything. It won't vome to you
a hot dog and a banana had a race who won
the WIENER
Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
There is thin line between death and life !! You won't live to see it .....
The Cardiogram will !!
A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cahsier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home. Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
