I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
I don't like the word gun
Whenever I say it people always get triggered
Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say forgive and forget. They are really obedient.
Whenever I have a one night stand I always use protection
A fake name and fake phone number.
What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.
Whenever you're mad just punch an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.
I said, 'I shit you not.'
Steven Hawking had dark humor. Whenever he turned on his laugh effect it diverted power from his screen brightness.
Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night she’s back in bed
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Whenever a woman files a rape accusation, it’s obviously fake. Even the cows at my farm are more likely, at least they aren’t flat.
Whenever I see a dog video, I just take a second to press paws.
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea his eye hurts ,the doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink ... when he finished the doctor told him : from now on take off the spoon.
Whenever I order coffee, I always get the depresso with extra depresso sauce
My family was watching home alone 2, so whenever Kevin was top of the twin towers, I threw a paper airplane at the T.V.
Whenever I make a 911 joke it bombs
When I was young I got bullied by two kids, and whenever I got hit to the ground, I would get back up and cry. Then I had the courage to fight back. Except they didn't get back up.
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
