When jokes

That moment when you have to ask your Chinese neighbor if he's seen your cat.

When you start sweating after filling in "C" for the third time in a row.

What do you get when you go to the beach and you get a tan on your feet?

Tan toes.

What do you do when you see a sad orphan?

Nothing, let them wait for their parents.

Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex. His parents look at him in fear. Little Timmy asks, "Mom, Dad, what are you doing?"

The mom replies with, "We are playing house. We'll let you play when you're older," the dad says. So the next day Timmy goes over to play with his friend Johnny, who was, ironically, Timmy's neighbor. Johnny asks, "How was your sleep last night?" "I saw my mom and dad playing house last night," Timmy says. "But they told me I could play with them when I'm older."

After a little bit of playing with Johnny, Timmy went home and saw his Dad playing house with his babysitter. "Dad, what are you doing?" Timmy asks. "I'm playing house with your babysitter," Timmy's Dad said. "But I saw you play house with Mom last night," Timmy told his father. "Well, don't tell your mother," his dad said.

When you see your friend, you call the police, but they just moan.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

When you're sitting by the mushrooms and you hear one say to the other "Hey, you're a fun guy."

When my friend eats a mint, I say, "Hey, is it mint to be sweet?"

What do you do when an orphan gets you mad?

A stab to the neck and a bullet to the face.

Yo, three kids play hide-and-go-seek. Their names are Trouble, Manners, and Shut Up.

Shut Up hit the police station, Manners hit the trashcan. Trouble is the seeker. When they go and hide and all that shit, the policeman comes up to Shut Up and goes, "Hey kid, what's your name?"

Well, Shut Up looks at him and goes, "Shut Up."

Policeman says, "Excuse me, kid, where's your manners at?"

Shut Up goes, "Oh, Manners? In the trash."

Policeman goes, "Oh, Manners in the trash? And then policeman goes, "Hey kid, are you looking for Trouble?"

Then Shut Up goes and says, "No, Trouble's looking for me."

What did the cow say when it wanted to go to the movies? -- "Let's go to the moovies!"

Yo mama so fat that when she crossed the road, people mistook her for a roundabout.

When you ask your sister if she wanna smash, but then she grabs the Switch.

Your mama so fat, when Santa saw her he said, "Ho, ho, holy s***!"

When I was walking home, a couple of married guys were saying, "Your mom is good at her job," but I realized my mom doesn't work.

So I ask my mom, "Why are these guys saying you're good at your job? You don't work." My mom said, "Yeah, I got a new job." So I said, "What do you do?" My mom said, "Job hand, no, I mean it's called a hand job."

When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.