We Jokes

Nun

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!).

As they're approaching the Pearly Gates to be interviewed by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end.

Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven.

He says to the first nun: "Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man?"

Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: "Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don't let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven."

St. Peter says: "Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Sister Carmel sees what's going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently.

"Pssst - hey Bernie"!, she says.

Sister Bernadette asks: "What is it?" A little annoyed.

Sister Carmel says: "Do you mind if we swap places"?

Sister Bernadette replies: "What for"?

Sister Carmel says: "Well, I wouldn't mind gargling before you stick your ass in there!"

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  • War

    Germany: As long as America stays out of the war, we should win.

    Japan: *bombing Pearl Harbor* Cowabunga It Is!!

    Mom

    One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.

    A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.

    Baby

    Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.

    The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"

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  • Orphan

    So I saw a bag full of children near a dumpster. I guess we know where the orphans are when the parents didn’t want them.

    Wouldn’t want to hope a Catholic priest comes along, otherwise the priest will have new sex toys.

    Condom

    A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.

    Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”

    Road

    Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.

    The British: We drive on the left side of the road.

    Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*

    Anal

    Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!

    Name

    Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?

    Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

    Son: Thanks, Dad.

    Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

    Blonde

    What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

    Her parents named her Jessica, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

    Sense

    They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.

    It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.

    Dad

    Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

    Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

    People

    Hello people. I've seen your jokes are as immature as hell. Keep going with those jokes, people. We might earn the funniest jokes on this website.

    Shit

    What did one butt cheek say to the other?

    "Together we can stop this shit."

    Mission

    Why are we still fighting in darkness?

    "Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."

    Water

    If a bird flies, and a duck can also run and fly, while a cat walks, why do we drink water?